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Panic In Detroit: 10 Signs Of The Apocalypse At NAIAS

I just returned from attending the 2015 North American International Auto Show and I’m freaking out. The reason for my panic is because, at the show, there were multiple signs that the end of days is near. So kiss your kids, your creature comforts and your 401k goodbye because if Detroit is correct, the apocalypse is upon us. Here are the Top 10 signs:

#10. Mercedes Doesn’t Want Us To Drive
At Detroit, Mercedes launched their new self-driving concept car. Sure, it’s ugly as all get-out but check out the interior.
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That’s cool. But when one of the world’s top automakers would rather have you sipping martinis in the back seat than burning fossil fuels in the front, there is something wrong in the world.

#9. Tesla Showed Up
Sure, Tesla‘s a car company, why shouldn’t they come to a car show? Um…I dunno..maybe because a) they don’t have a new car to launch, b) they don’t participate most industry events and c) they don’t really do car shows. Why would they show up here? Maybe Elon Musk just wants to say goodbye…

#8. Race Cars Have Sparkles
When all is right in the world, the race car adornment codes are simple– they’re just like boobs. Formula One has small, tasteful stickers, kind of like European breasts. NASCAR’s decorations are a lot like the ideal American rack– expensive, obnoxious and visible at any cost. So when Japanese automaker Lexus reveals that their latest race car has a logo made of sparkles, I honestly don’t know what to do. Except to run for cover.
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#7. Someone is Pony Tipping
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Who in their right mind would lay a beautiful Mustang on its side? Oh, I dunno, someone who is scared for their life! It’s terrifying.

#6. More Prius, Without Progress
Toyota put what appears to be the same old Prius V on the show floor with the words “prototype” on the side.
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Am I in some type of terrible Groundhog Day nightmare or is this the beginning of the end? I think we both know the answer.

#5. The Authorities Have Been Called
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I swear to God I saw this same K-9 Bomb Squad dude 40 times on the show floor. I dunno who would want to bomb an auto show, especially because we know that Tesla is already here. It must be a sign.

#4. Buick is Sexy
I realize that this about as disconcerting as telling someone their dad is hot. And for that, I’m sorry. But it’s true. Buick released two insanely attractive cars and it was weird.
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#3. Chevy Skipped Spell Check
Chevy released a new electric car called the Bolt. Which would be fine if they didn’t already have the Volt. IMG_7901
When a big automaker can’t bother to cross reference their names, you know they’ve been doing other stuff. Like building bomb shelters…

#2. Acura Is Reborn
If you paid attention in Sunday school, you’d know that rebirth is one of the signs of the end of days. Acura knows this, of course. And they resurrected their cult-favorite NSX just in time for us all to be blown to bits.
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And the #1 sign that the apocalypse is near is that Ford made my dreams come true. Not only did they fly a bunch of us lowly little bloggers to Michigan for warm shelter and hot food, but they did so in conjunction with the rerelease of one of my all time favorite cars.. The Ford GT.
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When it’s all this good, of course there’s no place to go but down! But I intend to make the most of my last days. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some rubber to burn…

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