Bumper Stickers: Baby, I’m Bored
At some point, surely you’ve seen one of these plastered on the back of a white Honda Odyssey/Dodge Caravan or any other painful family vehicle:
OMG IT’S A BABY! SLOW DOWN! BE CAREFUL! USE YOUR INDICATOR! WAAAAAAAAHHH!
Honestly, these stickers piss me the hell off. Not as a mother, if you want to advertise your offspring, go ahead. But as a driver/human it’s just obnoxious. Why should I care that you have a baby on board? Do you really think that will make me drive safer? Unless your infant the second coming of Buddha/Jesus/Mohammed, its life probably is no more valuable anyone else’s. I’m pretty sure that most of these other cars are transporting living, breathing humans as well. I just don’t get it. If anything, it makes me stay clear of your vehicle, for I know that this parent is the epitome of distracted driving– with one hand on the wheel and another one on a dirty diaper/breast pump/baby wipes and/or baby rattle. They are downright dangerous.
Accordingly to urban mythology, these stickers originated from a horrific accident where a baby was trapped in a car and emergency workers failed to save the little guy’s life. And that’s awful. However, it turns out to be complete bullsh*t, like your mom’s “headaches” or your grandma’s “special recipe”– trust me, we’re all spiking our coffee and baking with Betty Crocker. But these eyesores have been ruining cars for about 20 years now.
The silver lining to this awful, obnoxious yellow misunderstanding, is that it has started a wave of hilarious anti-baby on board stickers. Turns out there’s one for every stage of parenthood and Mama’s here to walk you through. For the beginners:
Stage One is for the lucky few that find infancy adorable. Your baby is cute, parenthood is new and everything your baby does is undeniably exceptional. But then they start eating more, and apparently that stuff has to come out somewhere and then you realize…disposing of its overflow is entirely your responsibility:
Enter Stage Two, where your baby ruins every carpet imaginable and all the shirts you own seem to have a puke stain on every shoulder. Some of us would even advocate an additional projectile vomiting, explosive diarrhea illustration, but since many people eat in their cars, the omission is more of a courtesy than an inaccuracy. As the little monsters grow, it turns out that the stuff coming out of their rear ends is nothing compared to what comes out of their lungs. Welcome to Stage Three Parenting:
Yup, that sums up my vehicle from the hours of 6-8am and 3-6pm daily. Unless I remember to pack my duct tape..
But then, finally, your precious little babies grow into real humans. And you start to see them as people, warts and all. This, my friends, is Stage Four:
This guy is my hero. Because, let’s be honest, most parents mark Stage Four with a not-so-humble college bumper sticker brag and that’s cool. And the fact that they cheer, play football, do ballet and whatever else is great too. But if you really stop to ponder how they really turned out, Sometimes An Asshole is actually a tremendous win. But of course, the grandchildren will be perfect.
Seen a great Baby On Board rip off? Show me via Twitter/FB or Instagram @motorheadmama.