How To Undouche Your Man’s Ride
Or is it de-douche? I’m an English major, you’d think I’d know. But somehow they missed that during my higher education, so lame.
Anyway, I got a call from a friend of mine the other day who’s got a new man. Isn’t that exciting? Apparently he’s cool, likes the same dorky movies and can pull his weight between the sheets. There’s just one problem, his truck. Now I’ll tell you more about this later during Motorhead Drama, but for now, I”m asking my friends at CarID to help this poor fella de-douche his ride.
First things first, let’s start with inside. Is the stench of his ex a little much? Or the idea of any extraneous DNA on the car seats grossing you out? I get it. I’ve been there. Car seat covers exist for exactly this purpose. They don’t just have to be loose, lame ones with embroidered Disney characters (and if you do find yourself in this situation, trust me, there couldn’t be a redder flag), check out these sweet Carhart covers:
Look familiar? Carhart is the company that makes those super sexy worker pants that are tough enough to handle a passionate claw from your freshly gelled fingernails. Speaking of sexy, let’s move to the back seat. You know what’s not sexy? Dog hair in your teeth while you’re trying to get busy in the back seat. So get a Canine Cover. Duh. Rover can do his thing and your man can wash it later. Remember, men with dogs usually aren’t and this way you’re not the only bitch in his life.
I know you’re bitching about his music too. Before you go deleting the Danzig collection from his iPhone, why not upgrade his system to something that’s gonna make you happy too? Check this one out:
It creates sexy mood lighting and has voice control. So the gap between his playlist and yours is only a shout away.
Now to the outside. Let’s not hate this guy because his ride’s got a little lift. It’s gonna come in handy when you load 300 pounds of shoes into his truck bed the next time you move. Granted, the entrance to such a vehicle can be challenging, especially if you’ve just waxed, bronzed and opted for a vaguely inappropriately short skirt. But unless you want the valet getting a gaze at your hoo-hah, you’re gonna need a quick exit. This is why the Baby Jesus gave truck steps. I like these ones with wide platforms because if your man wanted you to wear sensible shoes, he would’ve dated a lesbian:
Last but not least, the wheels. I know you think you don’t care about his wheels. But you do. It’s pretty much the haircut of his truck. You’re not going to notice if they’re great, but you sure as hell are gonna notice if they’re bad. So take a good look at these babies:
Sexy right? The truck’s hair cut just went from Donald Trump and Johnny Depp. So go ahead–get involved in the undouching of your man’s ride. If he’s into you, he doesn’t want to be douchey. And if he doesn’t care, he’s probably a douche.