Raising teenagers can be a nightmare. For many of us, things get even more excruciating in the car. If they’re driving, you’re a paranoid, nervous wreck, even if you think you’re being calm. If you’re behind the wheel, they’re pawing endlessly at their phones with an occasional break to look up and remind you what a “loser” you are. The next time you find yourself in this predicament, I suggest you seek revenge in the most fantastic, passive-aggressive approach– a stomach-churning, mute-button-inducing playlist that will embarrass your kids so profoundly you may never get ‘bruh’d again.
**ALL OF THESE SONGS HAVE CURSE WORDS. THEY ARE MEANT FOR KIDS ALREADY EXPOSED TO THE BEAUTY OF SWEARING. IF YOUR KIDS HAVE VIRGIN EARS, KEEP THEM AWAY.**
How To Prepare For Your Teen Playlist
For such an excursion to be successful, you’ll need a bit of preparation. First, ensure your Apple CarPlay or Android Auto system is active so you can see some album art for an extra dose of discomfort. Next, you’ll need to tee up your defense in anticipation of the inevitable blowback. Because the minute your kid gets a load of your intentions, they’ll want to tune away, pair their playlist, or at least turn the volume down. In my experience, the best strategy to combat this interception is to
Pull over and suggest they walk home
Remind them who pays for the car, its insurance, and registration, and thus is the official DJ, or if things get really ugly..
Offer to cue up some opera instead.
You’ll start the ride with something softly offensive, an ironic song so subtle and stupid that they may not even get the joke. This tune works particularly well if you’re driving an athletics-related carpool with as many high-stakes friends as possible.
Maybe you’ve never heard of the Swedish post-punk band Viagra Boys. But if you can appreciate Jello Biafra or The Dead Kennedys, you’ll like their sardonic, anti-establishment lyrics. In this doozy of a single, they essentially spend the majority of this song simply listing American sports and the dumb stuff teenagers do:
Baseball Basketball Wiener dog Short shorts.. Sports, sports, sports Naked girls And naked boys Doing the dance on the beach Smokin’ dope Short shorts On the beach
Sports, Viagra Boys
..
If they listen closely, they’ll be horrified. But we both know they never listen closely anymore unless, of course, you’re listing why you had to take their phone away. Because of this, you may get away with playing the entire song without interruption. Should this occur, please move on to the next item on our list.
Embarrass Your Kids While Chaperoning Their First Date
Note: this song only works once. Because once your kids are on to the lyrics, they’ll reach for the volume button quicker than you can say “child protective services.”
The song starts completely innocuous. An eloquent young English woman sings acapella about what we assume is your basic boy meets girl love story.
I have my sentence now At last I know just how you felt
It’s almost Jane Austen-like in its innocent revelry. However, as the chorus builds and the instruments kick in, things take a particularly raunchy turn.
I dip my fingers in Expect more than the skin
Then it takes a dramatic shift, in a way you’ll love almost as much as your kids will hate.
And you can hold me like he held her And I will f*ck you like nothing matters
What’s that?
Don’t worry. She’ll repeat that three times to make sure that the kids in their way back get the memo.
And you can hold me like he held her And I will f*ck you like nothing matters And you can hold me like he held her And I will f*ck you like nothing matters
If you’ve had time, I implore you to memorize these lyrics so you can sing along for maximum effect. Sing it loud and proud, my fellow parents, because ‘f*cking like nothing matters’ is probably how you got into this whole mess in the first place, right? It will be a moment that no one in the car can forget. At this point, you can offer your teen a diplomatic gesture of clicking away from the current track onto the next. Little do they know that it’s a trap!
A simple John Lee Hooker blues song from 1977 reworked by a French DJ, what could go wrong? Well, as your poor, tortured teen pouts their way home, one of America’s greatest modern bluesmen will repeatedly remind them:
It serves you right to suffer It serves you right be alone
It Serves You Right To Suffer by John Lee Hooker, The Avener
Maybe this doesn’t seem kind. Perhaps you think it’s too harsh for these poor, young, sensitive souls. But I’m here to remind you of the 4,000 times your offspring dramatically rolled their eyes, criticized your clothing, or retorted, “I Hate You,” when you asked them to empty the dishwasher. Can we agree now that it serves them right to suffer? Yeah, I thought so.
On the heels of this showdown, it’s essential that you re-establish your position as the alpha of the pack. For it was you who birthed them, who raised them, who wiped their butts, and answered their dumb questions without judgment. So carry on, brave birthers. We’ve got more kids to horrify.
On the surface. John Grant is a dull, Simon and Garfunkle-esque singer-songwriter. And GMF may seem like a sweet, melancholy ballad. But you and I both know you’ve been through too much for a ballad.
You could probably say I’m difficult I probably talk too much I overanalyze And overthink things Yes, it’s a nasty crush
At this point, your kid may think this is an auditory olive branch or, even worse, an apology. That’s when you go in for the kill–it’s time to embarrass your kids with your God-given awesomeness.
I am the greatest motherf*cker That you’re ever gonna meet From the top of my head To the tips of my toes on my feet
Damn straight, you little ingrates. Be sure to sing along, preferably off-key, to reiterate who holds the power in this dynamic.
Yes, Chika is a rapper. Yes, she got famous on Instagram. But, no, your kids won’t know her because she’s not auto-tuned, she’s not under 25, and she’s a straight-up poet. She also is the perfect person to remind you and your offspring who’s in charge:
Ain’t no body gonna bring me down I’m on an elevator I’m on to something greater Ain’t no body gonna take my crown
Because raising a teen can be a soul-crushing, ego-evaporating exercise, but it can also be a boatload of fun. Don’t let these amateurs beat you at your own game. Now, straighten your crown, grab the keys, and offer to drive them to the mall. This will be fun.
