It’s easy to argue that every day millions of irritable, irrational, bleeding bitches clog our roadways with their inept driving.
However, pre-menstral driving is actually a very important contributor to female car culture. Here are the 5 Highlights:
#1 Cars always think you’re hot. Even if you’re retaining water like the Hoover Dam or have a Rudoph-like zit on your nose, a car doesn’t mind. It’s turned on with flick of the wrist and can go as fast.. or as slow.. as you need.
#2 Zero Accountability. During PMS, even true, dragon-like behavior can be blamed on Aunt Flo’s pending visit:
“Daa…ad, Mommy called that police man a bad word.”
“It’s ok honey, Mommy isn’t feeling well.”
Not feeling well is right, Jack. So sit back, buckle up and enjoy our hormone-fuelled drag race to Trader Joe’s. Oh, and keep your paws off of my Pringles.
#3 Accessibility. Cars require regular gas station visits. Also present at the gas station, the mini mart. The mini mart is perhaps history’s most impeccable assortment of all of the major PMS food groups: salt, sugar, grease and booze without any fruit or veggies to distract you. And the black plastic bag hides all indiscretions.
#4 Cropping. In the car, a pre-menstral woman is only visible from the cleavage up. No saddle bags, no thunder thighs, no muffin top. So unbutton your jeans, jack up the girls and waive hi to the truckers because one more week and it’s back to the B cup.
#5 Constipation? Gas? Irritable bowel? No problem. Behind the wheel, you are just an open sunroof and a cardboard pine tree away from your car smelling like it did yesterday. So let ’em rip girls.
We’ll see you again in about 28 days.
