Test Drive Tuesday: Alfa Romeo 4C Spider

Every once in a while, I test drive a car that makes me want to drive it home, change my name, burn off my finger prints and die my hair black.  Then when the guys come to retrieve the car, I can say in a slow, incoherent Russian accent, “I Don’t Know Dis Motorhid Mama.” Enter the Alfa 4C.

I’ll admit that when this car came out, I didn’t quite get the memo. Sure, it sounds great, but look at those tail lights.  And yeah, the stats are killer but dual clutch automatic? Kiss my ass! Well, consider it kissed people, because when I got in this baby last month I came super close to dipping my finger tips into battery acid to keep it. She’s light, she’s noisy, she’s crazy sensitive and she’s cool as hell.  Basically, she’s that slutty chic with the wild temper that all the guys had to screw at least once in college– they knew she was gonna be a bunny boiler but they also knew she’d be a hell of a ride.  That’s this crazy Italian bitch in a nutshell.

The first thing you notice when you get inside the 4C is that it’s a tight fit (insert slut joke here), but this is no car for carpooling, this is a canyon carver, a track car, the one you use to drive to your ex’s bar-b-q with your new boy toy. Next, you notice that you’re surrounded by carbon fiber.  And this is no stamped plastic bullshit, either. This is the real deal, because the next notable item is that this car is light as a feather, making you feel as close to the road as you can get without being road kill. While you may not feel safe, if you’re anything like me, you’ll think “To hell with it, if I’m gonna die, at least I’ll go out with a smile on my face.” And the 4C gets that about us and I dig it.

Other notable Alfa attributes include an incredibly noisy exhaust, which I absolutely love. Yes, it’s obnoxious. Yes, your neighbors will hate you and the whizz of the turbo is loud too.  But who cares, it is worth the glares and dog poop on your lawn, this is crazy fun! The driving experience is nothing short of.. active.  It’s a little jerky, a little rough (the sex jokes keep coming) and there’s no power steering and that makes it even more fantastic.  It goes from 0-60 mph in 4.1 seconds, which is just a hair faster than the Boxster Spyder, and both start around $65k.  It’s an inline 4 cylinder, turbo-charged rear wheel drive rocket ship that is hella fun and looks and feels a lot like the Lotus Elise.  (you know the one that Lotus doesn’t make anymore and looks like the Tesla Roadster?)

By the time I was done with my first drive, my hair’s a mess, I’m sweating like a pig and yet I’m smiling so hard that my face literally hurts.  Yeah, it’s that kind of drive.  It’s kind of like that slutty girl in college, some guys will risk it all for that post-coital bliss.  You know why? It feels so good!

Here’s a video of me freaking out during my test drive: