Dear BMW Design Team

Full disclosure: I’m a Beemer fan.

For about a decade now, I’ve been addicted to the slow morphine drip that is the Ultimate Driving Machine.  And good for you Bavaria, you’ve made great cars with amazing performance and a new car smell that I would spray behind my ears if I could.  But given the fact that I’ve poured my retirement account into your coffers, I figure you owe me 5 minutes to speak my mind…and I’ve got a bone to pick.

Historically, you’ve been great. I mean, the 2002 was my first BMW love:

The 850 always looked ahead of its time and still looks hot today:

 

And as you eased your way into the new decade, the design just got better: 3 series, bravo! 7 series, delish! Mini modernization, magnificent!

But then, as world domination approached, somebody lost a screw.  Was it the fumes from the new office chairs?  Too many fruit baskets from Road & Track? I dunno. But let’s get this baby back together because my questionable credit is only going to last so long…so pay attention:

The X6 looks like the X5 with dump in its pants, so cut it out. The 5 series hatchback? Did you learn nothing from the Saab meltdown? Ugly isn’t cute anymore.

And if you don’t truly update the 3 series body style, I’m going to have see more douchebags like this slapping cheap kits on their Accords. God help me:

I don’t really want to move over to Audi-town, nor do I have to resort to driving something..gulp, practical. So get it together or Mama’s moving out!