More powerful than shoe size! More accurate than 10 tax returns! This undocumented, entirely unresearched, purely anecdotical guide will help you decipher if your potential partner is a stud or a dud.
#1 Vintage: If he shows up in a car that was made before you were born, this could go two ways. If it sounds like a power boat and smells like a gas-station, congratulations. If you hear a low purr, and see something like this:
I’m warning you, in less than 5 years, your man will run off with his good friend Daniel and you will be left alone with a mountain of expensive, colorful ties.
#2 Fancy: If the car’s street value eclipses your annual salary, calm the hell down. And don’t go canceling your credit cards yet. Check the glovebox, make sure you don’t find zip lock baggies or a scale. Next, casually check the trunk for the car’s original owners.
#3 Pick Ups: In general, you can’t go wrong with a guy with a pick up. One note: if you need a step ladder to get into the passenger side, you’ll likely need a magnifying glass to find his unit–don’t say I didn’t warn you.
#4 Green: Saving the planet is great, but so is deodorant. If you get into that car and smell wheatgrass, then remember, that’s not the last time you’ll smell that crap. It gets into everything, yeah, I mean everything. Really. No really. Yes, that too. Gross? You betcha.
#5 Deal Breakers: If he rolls up in a Vespa, a taxi or anything that looks like this:
Tell him you’re having your period/yeast infection/herpes flare up/anal leakage and run!