No matter how awful parenting gets, one cold, hard fact remains: Unless you’re doing a spectacularly terrible job, your kids love you. In fact, deep down, they may even like you a little bit. But there are two things they absolutely do not think: that you currently are, ever have been, or ever will be SEXY or COOL. Even Jason Momoa’s kids think he’s “sooo embarrassing” and Beyonce’s kids think she’s “Okaaayyyy… I gueeesssss..” (eyeroll).
With my kids, I really don’t care. Go ahead, pick on my appearance, mock my language and make sure you remind me on a daily basis that my human growth hormone is evaporating more quickly than Mark Zuckerberg’s friend list, fine. But I draw the line at my car. If their spoiled asses even think of dishonoring their primary source of free and oftentimes cordial transportation, well hell then, you can ride your bikes to the mall!
Here’s a handful of tunes that you can play during carpool to help remind those little devils that your wheels (and by default, you) are indeed the sh*t:
“Tell Your Mother” by Dr. Joe
I got a Mazda Miata from my papa
So I can pick you up wherever you are, babe..
So I can pick you up wherever you are—no kidding, Joe. This is basically my current job description.
Based in Austin, TX, Dr. Joe is the direct result of what happens when a Kansas kid grows up listening to Ray Charles, Leon Russell and learning piano from a southern gospel choirmaster. So not only will this song raise the stakes on your Mazda (whether it’s a Miata or CX-5) but also encourage your kids to pay attention at their piano lessons. A twofer.
“Volvo Driving Soccer Mom” by Everclear
I used be a bad girl,
I had a threesome with my sister and her boyfriend Tom,
but now I'm a Volvo Driving Soccer Mom
Maybe this one isn’t exactly for the littlest ones but is a great way for you to teach a snarky teen that they didn’t invent youth rebellion. No need to provide any additional details. You can save those golden nuggets for the long talk you’ll have after you bail them out of jail..well, at least the first time.
“Subaru Crosstrek” by Hobo Johnson
I just bought a Subaru Crosstrek,
I would've bought a Lambo but I'm not quite there yet,
Sometimes I get drunk, and I forget what day it is..
What’s that kids? You’re not a fan of Mom’s fuel-efficient, All Wheel Drive, compact sport utility vehicle? You’d much prefer a Lamborghini Huracan? Well, I certainly hardly know anything but maybe you should try the wise words of Hobo Johnson-don’t do drugs and don’t smoke weed- then maybe, just maybe, you’ll get yourself something snazzy when you grow up.
For further amusement and details about what will really happen in their grown-up lives, please refer to the aforementioned Volvo Driving Soccer Mom.