Dear Car Sales Dude, Let’s Douche It Down A Little

Here’s the thing about being in sales—I get it.  I get that you need to meet your numbers; I get that you work on commission; I get that there’s a douche bag in the back room asking you for your “funnel.” I’ve been that douche bag! But it’s now the 21st century, and women are making close to 70% of the car buying decisions, so how’s about we do this whole car sales thing differently? And with significantly less douchey qualities. Here are some tips:

  1. Cologne = Kryptonite

Cologne is nearly impossible to get right, so please, don’t bother. Just load up on breath mints and Febreeze and we’ll be all fine. Not to mention the fact that your Paco Rabanne often overpowers the New Car Smell that  gets me out of bed in the morning. Mess with that & I’ll be forced to bring a nauseous, overfed child on my next canyon carving test drive.

(that’s gonna be sticky…)

  1. Don’t Molest Me With Your Eyes

Listen, I know that you can bounce a quarter on my abs and that my ass is a wonderland (photographic proof absolutely not included), but this is not a date. And you are not a tiger sizing up a gazelle; so stop looking at me like that. If you do, than I will feel free to use my own visual warfare to deter you: stare at your junk while making my sad face.

  1. Know Your Sh*t

I went to a Toyota dealership a few years back to drive a Land Cruiser and the sales guy told me that Toyota had just discontinued its longest running production car in favor of the Sequoia. I told him that he should head down to the Santa Monica Pier where Jennifer Laurence was giving free hand jobs to guys that show up in thongs.

  1. Embrace Me

No, not like that. Like this: A Tesla sales guy said to me during a test drive, “Don’t be afraid to get on the gas.” (a little EV humor) My husband responded, “You obviously don’t know her.”  The guy said, “Cool. Show me what you’ve got!” And I did. Once he put his tongue back in his mouth &  read me a brief legal disclaimer, he raved, “Wow, that was impressive.” Flattery will get you everywhere.


(Love me, love my lead foot.  Photo courtesy of Volvo Cars.)

  1. Don’t Throw Yourself Under The Bus

I recently asked a sales guy a few questions and he literally responded with, “You know you can get all of this on the Internet.” Thanks, Einstein. Guess what else I can do on the Internet? Buy car without a stinky, clueless, lecherous dude breathing down my neck. Some think you’ll be replaced by a vending machine so you’d better get it into gear.

But sales guys aren’t all bad. Here are a few that I think are just great.

Mama’s Sales Dude Honor Roll:



This is me & Hans Dakhlia, Bob Smith BMW. Without a helmet, he looks like this:


A real auto enthusiast & really good guy.




Peter Schwartz, Honda Of Santa Monica

New to the game, go see him before the business ruins him!



Scott Johnston, Tesla Topanga

Really passionate about Tesla & all around good dude.

If you’ve got a sales guy that you love, send ’em my way!

1 thought on “Dear Car Sales Dude, Let’s Douche It Down A Little”

  1. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you….for keeping it real as well as hilarious! I cannot agree more that even in this day and age, women are treated like “women buying cars”, if you get my drift. Most women I know, have their complete chassis together and can make informative decisions about anything and everything they buy, including a vehicle.

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