Hi guys! Fellas. Bro-cha-chos. We’ve got kinda a good thing going here, right? I’m your gal pal, your friend who is a girl, the one that never leads you astray from any potential v-jay-jay. So I’m here to tell you, as your friend, this nugget of wisdom: If You F-up Mother’s Day, You’re Screwed! Valentine’s? Important. Anniversary? Significant. That time she gained 30 pounds to squeeze out your offspring from between her legs? Paramount.
So let’s not screw up Mother’s Day with any of the following d-bag moves:
Like Brunch. Sure, it looks nice. Elegant, sophisticated and serene– until you show up with your rug rats who will proceed to break the china, fight over party favors and puke up vichyssoise. Equally douchey is breakfast in bed. Any happiness your lady feels when the kids deliver runny eggs and weak coffee to her bedside will be quickly tarnished by the catastrophe of a kitchen that will inevitably appear later. Hell no.
You know what a dude does? He lets his lady drive fast.
So how about you take that $300 you were gonna spend on the fancy brunch disaster and put it towards the happiest few hours of her life at the Porsche Experience Center? What’s that? It’s expensive? Yeah, well, so is divorce, so get on it, Jack! Dudes also want their lady to be happy behind the wheel, so for Mother’s Day:
Give her what she wants. Is she into big, pink wheels? Do it! Does she long for a Hello Kitty license plate holder? Install it. It will hurt my eyes and yours, but it is her ride. And you know what she’s doing in it? Schlepping your screaming brats. So man up.
Dudes also want their lady to be healthy and safe. My husband once surprised me by tinting my windows while I was out of town. Doesn’t sound romantic? Well, you know what’s less romantic? Skin cancer. He also replaced my tires during another trip. Was it because he was doing circle work at the local parking lot with his buddies while I was away? Could be. Guess what? I don’t care. New tires are awesome and I get better mileage, a better ride and am safer in the rain because of it. Dude status!