We all have them: the pretentious uncle who won’t stop talking about his Auwwwwdi, the wanker co-worker who takes any opportunity to give you remind you he’s GONE ELECTRIC, or the horribly plastic mother-in-law who obsesses over her six figure ride. Barf. But you still gotta gift ’em, so Mama’s here to help you out.
THE UNABASHEDLY PROUD NEW PARENT
Let’s start with those fools down the street with the new baby. They’ve somehow managed to produce the second coming of Christ and are absolutely expecting your holiday gift to match the splendor of their offspring. But what to get such an extraordinary infant? How about a little joke between you and me:
What they’ll see: An elegant pacifier by one of the strongest names in automotive safety. It probably turns into an enormous airbag in the event of a crash.
What you’ll see: The label from the Volvo website..
Sure, it’s perfectly acceptable and British to call a pacifier a dummy. But we both know that you secretly enjoy thinking “dummy” every time you see the spoiled brat down the street. Party on.
THE AUDI FAMILY
Sometimes families buy a car. And sometimes they all jump on board, drinking the brand’s Kool Aid by the barrel. Audi is one of those brands. It can be revolting. So in this age of COVID-19 give them what they really want, an opportunity to gather round a table and talk about their two favorite things: Audis and WINNING.
Audiopoly is not only a thing, but it’s on sale. So you’d better nab this bad boy quickly, before the other Audi freaks do.
THAT TESLA FANBOY
We all have a Tesla fanboy dbag (or two) in our lives. They’re the guys who toss around the word “Elon” like they know him, that look at you in horror for your internal combustion engine, and are under some bizarre impression that they are superior by Elon-association. This behavior can often be motivated by Smartest Guy In The Room syndrome, a condition best cured by either baldness or tequila. And since putting Nair in someone else’s shampoo is generally frowned upon, there’s this:
No, I didn’t make this up. It’s a real item on the Tesla website. You’re welcome.
THAT DBAG WHO WON’t SHUT UP ABOUT LAMBOS
Lamborghinis are stunning vehicles. This is true. They’re also very popular these days. Everyone from Nicki Minaj to Justin Beiber loves a Lambo. But so does that guy at the gym who think you’re his ‘bro.’ If you’re feeling like showering that dbag with luxury this holiday season, I’d like to suggest the following:
And you thought Tesla tequila was obnoxious.
THE PRETENTIOUS BITCH
She’s probably married to the Lambo dbag. And she likely drives an obnoxious SUV, whether it’s a Mercedes with the illuminated star or a RAV4 with a bedazzled license frame, but in her mind, she’s piloting a Bentley. So why not feed the fantasy with the scent of success:
The most remarkable thing about the Bentley perfume collection isn’t the fact that it exists, but the extraordinary copywriter who captured its essence. Get a whiff of this:
I dunno about you, but I’m thinking this one is for THE SLUTTY NIECE. “Sparks up passions wherever she goes” is clearly code for I-know-you-slept-with-your-math-tutor-and-the-golf-pro-too.
Clearly this one is for best friend’s wife who may have put on 50 pounds but is still blessed with her “inner light.”
And finally, the real sales driver for the Bentley perfumery:
The “softly sensual woman who thrives in intimate situations” is most definitely your mistress. You know, the one who you promised you’d buy an actual Bentley for once you leave your wife? But for now, she lives in a one bedroom Marina-adjacent condo and only smells rich.
So the upside to having a multitude of dbags in your life is that they’re probably going to make your holiday miserable, even if it is through a Zoom call. But the good news is you can still have a lot of fun shopping for them.