Tesla Model X’s Got Some Serious, Politically Incorrect Problems

The other day, I finally saw the highly anticipated Tesla Model X on the road.  Yay!

But it kinda sucked. Boo!

Considering that this vehicle has been repeatedly delayed for over 3 years, I expected something really great. Here are 5 damn good reasons why it’s not:

5) It’s fat.

The Model X weighs in at a hefty 5,440 pounds, even more when it’s moving.  That means it’s almost too heavy to drive legally across the Brooklyn Bridge.  (Both Jalopnik & The Drive wrote about this recently.)   So this means that downtown Manhattan Model Xsters can’t show off their $100k electric suv at Passover this year, they’ll have to catch the train to Bubbe’s house instead.

4) It’s ugly.

Sorry, it just is.  And there are no excuses. Tesla can’t blame it on time (delay, delay, delay), money (see $ below) or innovation.  The Model X looks like it took design cues from the hideous BMW 5 Series Gran Turismo-fiasco. Bitch, please. Mama says you’re both ugly.

3)  It’s retarded.

Ok, it’s mentally challenged.  Whatever you want to call it, its math makes no sense to me. Check this out:

20,000 deposits @ $5,000 minimum each= $100m

With only 200 of them cashed in, that leaves roughly $99 million fattening the Tesla coffers while high end tree huggers stare at an empty driveway.  If GM or Ford had tried that nonsense, there would be riots in the streets. Retarded.

2) It’s gay.

I dunno about you, but I’m far less interested in my vehicle offering “Bioweapon Defense Mode” when it doesn’t even give me a solid place to hang my purse.  Actually, this car isn’t gay enough.  If you’d put Izaac Mizrahi on the job, the Model X would have a signature self-storing purse, a hiding place for my tampons and a killer pre-loaded dance music collection.  So Tesla, next time, be less paranoid.. and more gay.

1) It’s a gold-digging whore.

Thanks to the IRS, this bitch is printing money. The Model X’s hefty curb weight makes it eligible for a tax credit up to $25k. So basically, when you buy a Model X, they throw in a Miata for free.  Which is awesome, especially if you need to drive to Brooklyn.

Of course, I haven’t driven the Model X yet.  When I do, I hope I love it. I really do.  But in the mean time, I’ll be in a plug-in hybrid Volvo XC90 with my purse properly stored, dancing to Donna Summer with Mizrahi. Thanks.