I pity the fool that’s gonna try to date My Daughter. Not because I’m a prude, over protective, will tend to stalk him or put a chip in his ear or anything (that’s my husband’s job), but because as a Motorhead Mama I’ve got some wacky car criteria. First, that dumb ass better be a killer driver. No stick? Dump. No track experience? Eject. No interest in cars? See ya! Among the requirements for Dating My Daughter, you’d better have the right ride. Here’s a few that just won’t do:
7. The Late Model MinivanI’m a huge fan of the Chrysler Pacifica Hybrid. Plug in hybrid technology= amazing mpg and this drives like a dream plus is crazy comfortable. But I also know that the Pacifica hybrid has just come out, so if he’s the kind of teenager that buys a brand new Chrysler Pacifica Hybrid as his first car, well then clearly, he’s done so for just one reason: Stow & Go Seating. And you can forget about that, Jack. My girl wants nothing to do with a vehicle with such extensive horizontal capacity. Oh hell no!
6. The Alfa 4c
Oh yes, I know. It’s a rocket ship. Yes, I’m aware of the glory of this little nugget of carbon fiber goodness. But if he’s into this car, clearly he’s got the Italian speed disease and frankly, I don’t think I can afford any more of that in the gene pool. Sorry, pal!
5. Ferrari 488 GTB
Oh sure, it’s got over 650hp & can get you from 0-60 in 3 seconds flat, but there are more important things in life. Like what? Like getting a real job, you fool. Because if you can bankroll the cool quarter of a million that this Ferrari 488 GTB commands, then clearly you’re a drug dealer or a pimp, both of which are on the Do Not Touch List. Next!
It’s an amazing car. I’ve owned two myself. Like a street legal go kart. Fantastic. But my kid is not going to suffer through your coming out party, Christopher/Stephen/Richard/we know your name isn’t shortened. Mama’s got nothin’ against the gays (I’m such fag hag that I make Kathy Griffin look like Betsey DeVos), but I just don’t want my first born to be crushed when you run off with your wrestling coach. Toodles!
3. The Flame Throwing Bronco
She would love this guy. The open air, the ruggedness, the FLAMES! But that’s just not gonna fly with Mama. Cuz any dude that spends that kind of cash ensuring that his classic car stands out is clearly more interest in his street cred than his girl. My baby comes first! Plus, this car belongs to Jared Leto and that dude needs a shower.
2. The Dodge Viper
Sure I know that there are enthusiasts that this love car. And I understand that some of them are under 40. But let’s not kid ourselves, most of them are not. Most are soul-searching, severely balding, middle-aged men who may still be married “BUT it’s over.” Yeah, that’s what she said. She being me. Eject!
1. The Prius
Cleary picking a boy with a Prius would be an act of unbridled, ill-intended, fierce rebellion for there probably isn’t a vehicle that would make me more furious. So if my kid chooses a guy that drives this, then I will simply do this:
Enjoy the movie, kids. Mama loves you!