One of the weirdest things that’s ever happened to me as a mother was when a random kid got in my car and immediately told me to change the music. After pausing to collect myself (cuz I’m a grownup), I calmly told this child that if she wished to be the dj she should get her own damn car and drive herself. Which, by all accounts, was the most mature response I could come up with.
Ever since then, I’ve made it a point that every little person that gets in my car receives a musical education which is in direct proportion to their attitude. So if you get in my car and you’re cool, I may just play something you like. But if you get in my car and you’re precocious, good luck, because Mama’s laying it down. If you’re obnoxious and disrespectful, you’ll get what my kids affectionately call The Opera Treatment. In most cases, kids are a combination of the above. So in honor of all that is fun and exciting about being a parent: Let’s F*ck With Them, Shall We? Ok, let’s go:
First I like to warm it up by kickin’ it Old Skool. For this I suggest:
This is a doozy because lots of kids are into this song right now thanks to the amazing Stranger Things soundtrack. So when you put it on, they’ll think you’re doing it for them. “Awww, your mom is so cool!” & “I love this song!” will likely be their reactions, which is about to be interrupted by a whole can of Is She For Real. After a few choruses, it’s really important that you sing. And sing loud. That’s right, “this indecision’s buggin’ me” is just about the right time to hop in and freak everyone the f*ck out. Your kids will want to move to Mozambique, their friends will pray for an eject button and you’ll have a ball.
Next, I’d like to suggest that you bring in something new and tasty:
This song is exceptional both as a modern female punk anthem and also for having lyrics that will horrify your offspring. Because everybody knows that the last thing any kid wants to hear their parents say is “Let’s Make Out”..so please, by all means, you’ll want to belt this one out too.
Now’s probably a good time to pop in something like AC/DC’s Back In Black or Rock Lobster by the B-52s because you’re going to need to win back their favor to effectively freak them out again. Towards the end of either song, go ahead and say “Hey, how about some Justin Bieber?” They’ll be all “OMG, really, we like totally love the Biebs. You’re the best.” And you’ll be all, “No problem.” Then hit play on:
And they’ll be like “Mom, wtf!” and you can say “Hey Siri, Who sings back up vocals on Make It Right by the Foo Fighters” and good ole Siri will say “Justin Bieber” and it’ll be awesome.
To be honest, I don’t even like the next song, but for our purposes, it’s perfect and thus worth the download. Remember Meghan Trainor? A few years ago she wisely reminded every preteen girl that “Boys like a little more booty to hold at night” with her song “All About That Bass”. Well, on her new album, Trainor gifts us all with a musical love letter to her mother which is equally adorable and annoying. The cherry on top is when she calls Mommy in the middle of the song and tells her she loves her. It’s so cringeworthy, you’re going to love it almost as much as your kids are gonna hate it and it’ll be great. So do it.
So finally, if you still have it in you…if you’re truly bold…truly badass…truly fearless..please play the following:
Oh man, payback’s a bitch, right? We both probably suffered through the agony of this coming on during a exhausting ride with our own parents. So you know this will be fun. It turns out that “Let’s Make Out” is actually the second to last thing a kid wants to hear their parent say. The real winner is “Let’s Talk About Sex.” Bwahahahhahahahaha…munchkins, brace yourselves! And if all else fails, there’s always Opera.