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Mama’s Tearproof Drive Your Kid To College Playlist

drive your kid to college

This past weekend, my daughter moved out of our house to go to college. Happily, she’ll be living 30 minutes away, which basically makes us neighbors in LA terms in LA terms. But as I watch my friends prepare for the nerve-wracking and heartbreaking drive to their kid’s collegiate destination, I can’t help but wonder: What’s everyone listening to?

Given that it’s the last time you may have your offspring’s undivided attention, that playlist needs to be on point! It’s not the time for a true-crime podcast. Listening to depressing news is out of the question. If your kid puts on their playlist, you’ll get a headache, and if your spouse is in charge of the tunes, you’ll lose whatever shred of sexiness exists between the two of you. So it’s time for Mama to save you all from yourselves. Here are my suggestions:

St. Panther- These Days

photo: Apple music

I know I said this would be ‘tearproof,’ but I lied. Because doing something like this without emotion is both impossible and fruitless. So let’s get that ugly cry out of the way from the top. OK? Between the lyrics “Please don’t leave me baby/Gotta be strong”, the slow, chill, tempo, and St. Panther‘s remarkable melancholy vibe, you’ll want to curl up into a ball a soak your sorrow in a vat of whiskey.

But then, as the song finishes up, you’d be a fool not to be seduced by its charming, beautifully realized shape. The background vocals, the horns, and again, those lyrics “Strong blood pumpin’ through my veins/You gotta work through the mud..oooh!” are not only smart words to live by, but they’re also the perfect segway to:

Hot Damn – Ab-Liva, Pharrell & Rosco P. Coldchain

photo: Apple music

How’s this for an attitude adjustment? If you can’t feel good by the end of this song, you’re beyond repair. It’s an infallible booty-shaker.

Yet there is one fact about this record that’s gonna sting, so brace yourself. This (amazing) Neptune’s album was released in 2003. That’s right, 2003, the year that most incoming 2021 college freshmen were born. Yes, I understand that makes you feel ancient because this song is probably still in your “Fall Hits Workout Mix”, but as Fauci likes to say, reality is a bitch.

Do you know who else says that? This guy ?

Justus Bennetts– Real Life Sux

photo: Apple music

Is this song annoying? You bet. Is it obnoxious? Absolutely. But we both know that it is the soundtrack to your kid’s unspoken fears. They may be “ok” and “chillin'” on the outside, but inside, they’re half-wanting you to turn the vehicle around so they can live in your basement forever on a diet of mom food and bong hits.

But we’re not going to let that happen…right?As tempting as it would be to keep your baby at home, letting go is a good thing. Plus, you’ll need their college-educated ass to nurse you in your old age. So consider this silly single as a lowkey scare tactic. You’re welcome.

Jany Green- Call My Parents

This one’s a gentle reminder that a) phones work both ways, b) your kid is likely to fall in love in college, and c) sharing is caring. Perhaps Jany’s model behavior will keep your baby in line.

But just in case they don’t, there’s always Primal Scream:

Primal Scream- Loaded

photo: Apple Music

We want to be free

We want to be free to do what we want to do

And we want to get loaded

We want to have a good time, and that’s what we’re gonna do.

This oldie but goodie came out way before your college freshman was a twinkle in your eye. For me, it coincides with my own college experience. And if you’re anything like me, this was your four-year anthem (or at least its sentiment was). So this is my reminder to you, and your kid, that they’re gonna get drunk. They are likely to consume recreational drugs. There is probably gonna be super hot sex and terrible sex too. They will, without question, make some questionable decisions. And mom/dad/parental unit, there isn’t much you can do at this point to change that.

But they are gonna “have a good time,” and isn’t that what matters? Oh yeah, and I guess that higher education stuff is cool too.

Next up,

the Empty Nester’s Playlist,

because you may have a kid or two left at home, but we both know it’s not the same. Just ask Princess:

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